Service: Knowing yourself, really.

I’m about to start teaching a three month container on the topic of really knowing yourself, or ‘Svadhyaya’ according to the Yogic scriptures. Which is ultimately about being able to recognise the ego and maybe even decide to transcend parts of it sometimes, with the intention of living with more compassionate, embodied agency.

In real life terms what that is really about is doing the very sticky and confronting work of recognising all the roles you’ve learnt to play and releasing your subconsious attachments to them. That’s everything you think you need to be and all the habits you have that make up the identities and personalities you and other people can recognise you by, including as much the shiny, virtuous parts as all the sneaky tactics of control and manipulation that you do without realising. And I know we don’t like to think of ourselves as controlling and manipulative, but without the work of investgating the self and having clear sight, that is very often how we end up behaving. It’s one of the more unpleasant parts of the modern conditioning.

This is high level work - because as much as it’s popular to talk about ego death, most of us have a deeply rooted sense of self tied up in our egos, much of which helps us to navigate through the world around us with a sense of competency and safety (even if it might be an illusion, it’s a very helpful illusion). The trouble with the ego though is that it’s a product of constructed ideas, unresolved pain, unconsented contracts of compliance and a prolongued performativity that isn’t life affirming at all. All of my work is about empowering the ability to live an embodied, life affirming existence, meaning one that is rooted in the truth that is found swimming about in the dark waters of your body and energy systems, not the rigid naratives of your conditioning. Doing so is more than mildly inconvenient, but totally worth it.

As usual, when I devote myself to teaching something like this, I welcome it in to teach me first, I ask it to show me what I need to know even though I know it will be challenging. And oh boy, has this one been challenging.

-

On Saturday, I had a long, hard conversation with someone I love very much. I’d been desperately trying to avoid having this one at all costs and was actually hoping that it might just disappear all by itself, but of course that isn’t what happened.

Sometimes, before speaking out difficult things and saying stuff I don’t really know how to say, my legs shake underneath me as if my body is trying to bolt in the opposite direction and it takes all my attention to root down, stay present and open my mouth. This time, I resisted the temptation to over prepare and come with a script just so the outcome could feel more in my control, and instead I did my best to meet it in the moment. (Ok, I did prepare 2 pages of bullet points actually, but I didn’t bring them with me to the chat)

The truth is, this conversation was not in my control. If it was, it would have been much tidier and easier, full of well considered explanations and clear boundaries that were secretly trying to rig the outcome, keep up the show and maybe even impress somone with my high emotional intelligence, instead of be vulnerable and open.

I think a lot of the time when people have been doing “the work” be it in therapy or on the mat or whatever, they arrive at the idea that things will be smoother and they aim for that, which is unfortuante because life itself is not smooth. In fact life, if we really want to see it for what it is, is extremely disruptive and demanding, hence why we have all these sneaky ways of adapting to it and trying to cope.

Because I’ve been practicing having a well trodden, devoted pathway below the surface of my mind for most of my adult life, I was able to speak from that place during this difficult conversation on the weekend. I did so with great difficulty and very little ease, but I did it.

And in so doing I was confronted with the reality that it probably means things need to change, that there will be loss involved as there always will be when it comes to burning through old patterns and learning who you are underneath them. And also that I don’t know yet what the outcome of this conversation will be. I was confronted with new layers of fear regarding my sense of self and my perception of belonging in the world. How loveabe or unloveable I am, how loving or unloving I am, whether I am terrible person, or not. I said things I’ve never admitted before and it rocked me deeply to do that, not knowing what might come of it.

All of this because the conversation drew me out from a familiar hiding place. One that I’ve been dependent on and needed to believe in for - forever - really, until now. Stepping out was scary and it still feels scary.

Because I have learnt how to be informed from the bottom up, I was able to say very difficult things that will likely carry heavy consequences. It required trust, in myself mostly, but also in this way of living and in the person on the otherside of the conversation I was having, who is someone very important in my life that I am heavily invested in staying in relationship with. It really stretched me and I finished the day with 3 glasses of wine and an evening of deliberate distractions. Which of course, everyone will tell you is not the right thing to do, but it is what I did and I am ok with that.

It’s Monday today and my system is still in a heightened sense of alert and I am needing to be very gentle with meeting that using the tools that I have. It’s important to acknowledge this as a part of the process, if I don’t then I might use how I feel today to take back what was said, or to convince myself that I’m not strong enough or that there is something wrong with me for feeling this sort of emotional hangover. I am though, strong enough, now. And there is nothing wrong with me for feeling how I feel.

This is what is required when you start living from below the mind and that is why I said it is a high level practice. One of trust and letting go of attachments and identities. It’s leaning into mystery and the unknown, instead of having the next set of answers all lined up. It’s intense and I do not recommend doing this in a hurry or too often, your system needs time. It is very, very important to be respectful to yourself for where you are now and how you got there and anyone who pretends otherwise is delluded.

-

I’m intentionally not sharing the details of what this was about or who it involved, for the sake of this teaching it really doesn’t matter. What matters is the understanding that every single one of us has a well refined arson of identities and personalities that make us feel to some degree important and capable, depending on who we are with and what we are doing. Including the other side of that collection of identities such as the victim or the powerless, insecure or overwhelmed one that, when over-identified with, will provide the perfect justifaction for not advocating for yourself or taking action. Not to say that external power structures don’t also play a role, but it’s worth focusing on the inner power dynamics not only looking outwards. That’s what this work is serving.

The inner dynamics are like a matrix of equations that have been written on the inside of us, telling us how to behave in order to be loved. We rely on them, and I really mean that, it would not be responsible to start wrecklessly and quickly pulling them out from below your feet. However, often they limit and isolate us too, even if we dont quite know how to express that, and so in the interest of reclaiming real inner power, the work of Self-study invites the gentlest, most patient, respectful and loving revolution that may well take lifetimes.

Being able to recognise the roles that you play for yourself and others, and very very very slowly unmasking, is vulnerable. You’re likely to be far more fearful and far more powerful than any of your identities could ever have dreamt of and expanding into feeling that in all the directions, requires time. And actually the unmasking part that so many people are rushing towards is really not at all where your focus needs to be. Instead, let it be merely with presence and that extremely valuable skill of being able to see who you are really as you watch all the patterns play out infront of you, whether you like it or not. Let it possess you fully and then take tiny steps towards expressing it in mysterious moments in your life that will present themselves to you when you are ready. That doesn’t mean just wait and go with the flow, it means practice, practice, practice and at some point life will give you an opportunity to live it, at which point you can choose what to do.

We will meet on Saturday 18th October 10.30-12.30 plus 45mins integration session afterwards. For more details and tickets: https://www.gracefarmer.de/cityrituals